Stuck in the Middle

Last Wednesday I nearly had a worry meltdown. I'm going to do my best to describe the situation here and hopefully putting it to words will clarify it for me. My husband (who still doesn't think he's an alcoholic and therefore won't attend AA, he is seeking guidance from God) is now two weeks sober, looking for a job and really making a concerted effort to stay sober and responsible. I still worry each day that he'll pick up a bottle, however I also catch myself when that worry starts and remind myself that I can't control him. Focus on me. So, that's one area of my life - the life as a wife. Next is the life as a daughter and aunt. This Saturday I'm one of three throwing my niece a wedding shower so I'm traveling to the "hometown". Ok, no big deal. Now the meltdown scenario. Wednesday I'm driving home from work and Mom calls - wouldn't it be a great idea to also have my niece's birthday party the same day as the shower so we don't have to make so many trips to the hometown. Ok, that makes sense. Then I could bring my husband with me and he could do stuff around the house for Mom and Dad. Enter worry. Now we're talking about a whole day in the hometown. Why do I worry? Because I fear putting too much on my husband's plate all at once. I'm afraid the whole day with the folks (which can be draining) will send him over the edge. I'm stuck in the middle because the folks don't know he's drinking again so I'm not being honest with them. I finally realized I'm trying to be a "good daughter" and a "good wife" and it's too much! I said that out loud. Maybe I'm trying to be someone I'm not. Or maybe I'm trying to take care of everyone else. Maybe I have this image that I've worked so hard to paint for me and everyone else and I can't support it anymore.

Today I should have gone to an Al-Anon meeting, but I didn't. Instead I went to the book store and read Codependent No More. I have to buy that book. Couldn't today because I don't have the extra money. Which could make me pretty angry cause I'm the one working! I won't go there. Anyway, the book helped but a meeting probably would have been better.

Jeez. I'm all mixed up. I'm angry that I don't have a "normal" life where I could say sure Mom we'd be glad to spend the day with you. I'm angry that I have this worry. I'm angry that I "have" to go to Al-Anon because my husband drinks. I'm sad that life seems so out of control. I'm depressed I guess. And I know no one is going to fix that for me except me. I really need to work the steps.