I Surrender

I give up. I can't do this alone. I can't keep doing the same thing. Last night and this morning I nearly lost it. All I can think of is how much I hate my husband. I don't like saying it and I know it's not him I hate, it's the disease. I hate what the disease has done to my husband. I no longer know the man I'm married to. This disease has disfigured him. I also hate my reaction to the disease. I feel trapped. Stuck. I don't know what to do. I look in the mirror and feel disfigured too.

Yesterday he started drinking again so I knew I'd be coming home to a drunk man. I just never know for sure what kind of mood he'll be in. I try to "go with the flow" so we'll have a smooth evening. But last night I couldn't do it. He kept horsing around - grabbing me and throwing me on the bed and tickling me - all in fun according to him - but I don't like it. I feel trapped. I feel forced to do something I don't want. I just want to change out of my work clothes, relax, unwind. But no. He thinks it's fun and all I can think is how much I can smell the alcohol and how disgusted I am. I don't want him anywhere near me. I am totally out of control. I'm playing the game with him and I don't even think I asked to be included! I'm involved by default. So I try to be nice, ask him to please stop, he says no, ask him nicer, and it infuriates me so I get mad and lash out, then I'm the bad guy. And I feel terrible because I don't want to act that way! I need to figure out what to do. I can't do it this way anymore.

I know I've been reading blogs and hoping that would suffice. It helps, but it's not enough. I need a plan. I need to go to an Al-Anon meeting. I found one in my area on Monday so I'm going. I write it here to convict myself to go. I can't back out. I need to go. I need some sanity. For me.

He Did it Again...

So much going through my head right now. First it's hurt, then anger, then I feel like such an idiot! I think I'm progressing and learning, but I'm not. I still base my happiness on what he does. The last week he's been sober and looking for a job. He had an interview yesterday. It looks like something he'd like to do and he's got a shot at getting it. I guess he figures he deserves to celebrate. Right. I've been happy this last week because it seems we have a "normal" life. Idiot. We so desperately need for him to get a job. I actually thought a job, even the prospect of getting a call for a job or an interview, would keep him from drinking. I guess I chose to believe that. Even though I know that's not the answer. I wanted it to be. So today he goes to the liquor store. And I'm crushed. My fairy tale world was just pretend. Like it is so many times. When will I learn? I am helpless to stop this. Powerless. Over alcohol. So why do I feel like I'm powerless over my life? My own life? Because I'm dependent on him. Not dependent on him for a home or to pay the bills because it's my career that does that. I'm dependent on him for my happiness, my mood, my sense of well-being. Why would I do that? Why do I put myself through this? Gotta get a grip.