I Surrender

I give up. I can't do this alone. I can't keep doing the same thing. Last night and this morning I nearly lost it. All I can think of is how much I hate my husband. I don't like saying it and I know it's not him I hate, it's the disease. I hate what the disease has done to my husband. I no longer know the man I'm married to. This disease has disfigured him. I also hate my reaction to the disease. I feel trapped. Stuck. I don't know what to do. I look in the mirror and feel disfigured too.

Yesterday he started drinking again so I knew I'd be coming home to a drunk man. I just never know for sure what kind of mood he'll be in. I try to "go with the flow" so we'll have a smooth evening. But last night I couldn't do it. He kept horsing around - grabbing me and throwing me on the bed and tickling me - all in fun according to him - but I don't like it. I feel trapped. I feel forced to do something I don't want. I just want to change out of my work clothes, relax, unwind. But no. He thinks it's fun and all I can think is how much I can smell the alcohol and how disgusted I am. I don't want him anywhere near me. I am totally out of control. I'm playing the game with him and I don't even think I asked to be included! I'm involved by default. So I try to be nice, ask him to please stop, he says no, ask him nicer, and it infuriates me so I get mad and lash out, then I'm the bad guy. And I feel terrible because I don't want to act that way! I need to figure out what to do. I can't do it this way anymore.

I know I've been reading blogs and hoping that would suffice. It helps, but it's not enough. I need a plan. I need to go to an Al-Anon meeting. I found one in my area on Monday so I'm going. I write it here to convict myself to go. I can't back out. I need to go. I need some sanity. For me.

Burying My Head in the Sand

This image is me. It's my own hand pushing my head into the sand. And I'm pissed about it. I've preferred to ignore the things that make me unhappy or are uncomfortable and only focus on what I like. I've been reading blogs about Al-Anon and how to make me better. For the last week I've been reading and thinking I sure am glad things are going good at home right now. Just pushed my head in the sand a little further. I know there's things I've read - detach with love, don't engage, don't enable, recognize you're powerless - but I can't quite figure out how to make it work for me. I know I enable him to drink - one way is I give him access to the money, my money at that! I took the credit cards and the ATM card but he found them or I've given the ATM back cause he "needs" something. I know there's no consequences for his stupid actions. In fact, and I'm getting angry now, I'm the one who has consequences. I don't want to go home. I put off getting a hair cut cause we don't have money. I don't ask people over cause I don't know what the situation will be at home. I am near tears at work so often (like right now). What about me dammit? Something's gotta change! I came to work today very happy and smiling...then, like an idiot I guess, I check the bank account on line and see that he's gone to the liquor store and now I'm fighting tears. I feel so let down.

Ok, let down...who let me down? Well I did. I believed. I based my happiness on the actions of someone else. Stupid. Human, but stupid. I am powerless. Over alcohol, yes. Over the actions of someone else, yes. Over my own actions or reactions? No. So what do I do now?

He Did it Again...

So much going through my head right now. First it's hurt, then anger, then I feel like such an idiot! I think I'm progressing and learning, but I'm not. I still base my happiness on what he does. The last week he's been sober and looking for a job. He had an interview yesterday. It looks like something he'd like to do and he's got a shot at getting it. I guess he figures he deserves to celebrate. Right. I've been happy this last week because it seems we have a "normal" life. Idiot. We so desperately need for him to get a job. I actually thought a job, even the prospect of getting a call for a job or an interview, would keep him from drinking. I guess I chose to believe that. Even though I know that's not the answer. I wanted it to be. So today he goes to the liquor store. And I'm crushed. My fairy tale world was just pretend. Like it is so many times. When will I learn? I am helpless to stop this. Powerless. Over alcohol. So why do I feel like I'm powerless over my life? My own life? Because I'm dependent on him. Not dependent on him for a home or to pay the bills because it's my career that does that. I'm dependent on him for my happiness, my mood, my sense of well-being. Why would I do that? Why do I put myself through this? Gotta get a grip.

What Addicts Need

Not my own title, it's from the latest Newsweek cover story. My good friend showed it to me so I could read it and understand a little more about my husband's alcoholism and treatment options. It was pretty interesting reading...I always endeavor to learn more about alcohlism and addiction but it used to be because I was hoping to find "the answer" to cure my husband. Now I know I don't have the answer. I can't cure him. I can only take care of myself and hope he'll follow my lead.

I think I'm figuring out that I'm co-dependent...I took a co-dependency self test on the web and passed. Woohoo! Ok, not exciting, but at least I know the issue. I have the truth. I can see that so many of the stupidest decisions I've made have been because I'm unhappy with my life as a co-dependent. But all I've done is move from one codependent relationship/situation to another. Isn't that the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result? Something's gotta change. I want to change. That's good.

Today I'm grateful for:
1. My good friend at work
2. My father-in-law, a recovering alcoholic, who keeps showing me how to live a humble life
3. My nephews for always finding a way to make me laugh, and usually not on purpose!

Ending on A High Note

This week has been a banner week for me. I worked several weeks on a video project that was presented earlier this week. There were several of us presenting and, although it was never "formally" declared, it was a bit of a competition. And, I won! I say "I" but really it is "we". It feels great! I'm on such a high - all natural too! The accolades this week have been great! Just when I think, "well, that's it we're all moving on now" someone else tells me what a great job we did. It's been awesome! Do I sound proud? I am. And I deserve it too. What's cool is I got to work with people in a different way. We all took a step out of our comfort zones and we all did great! Best of all we had a great director - an old and good friend of mine that I hadn't worked with in a while. It was great to work together again and catch up. We had Chinese food and my fortune seemed so appropriate - "Seize from every moment its uniqueness." So, this Friday, I'm ending the week on a high note.

Don't Engage

I keep hearing don't engage with the alcoholic. You're dealing with alcohol and not the person. I was thinking I was doing pretty good at that by not arguing or condemning because he's drinking/drunk. However, I'm now wondering if "engaging" is more than just arguing. I still go along with whatever he wants (within reason most of the time) when he's drinking...so is that engaging too? Last night I came home and he was still drinking. He wanted me to lay down and hold him while he cried. So I did. Forget that I needed to go to the bathroom or wanted to change out of my work clothes. Then he wanted to listen to music. Ok. So that's what I did. All night. We didn't have dinner. I didn't turn any lights on in the house. I did get to change and go to the bathroom, but only when he got up to go to the bathroom. Is this engaging? I know I need to figure out how to have my own life, take care of me. I know I need to "detach" and "set boundaries" but I don't have the slightest idea how.

Tonight, I don't know what's gonna happen. I only heard from him once today and he sounded better. I know his bottle was getting low, but he may have another. Ok, here's where I'm supposed to think I can't control him and focus on me. So, me, what do you want to do tonight? Oh, how about go home and see what your husband wants to do...Geez. Let's think of something better.

Who Am I?

"You've heard it said that no decision is a decision. Hidden within indecisiveness is the goal of always being right. As long as we don't know what we want, we will never be wrong, never make a mistake, and hence we will never be disappointed. We have been programmed since childhood not to make mistakes. By being indecisive we can remain a child. The moment we decide to take charge our lives is the moment we really leave home. Once we start making decisions for ourselves, we are on our own."It is safer not to make decisions, to be passive, childish and to take our cue from others. Making a decision always reveals something about you. Making a decision tells people who you are. And so, making a decision is essentially divulging a great secret. If your purpose in life is not to reveal who you are, then you will always remain undecided."Another reason for indecisiveness is the fear that we may have to give up something. For example, if you want to take a vacation to Hawaii, it means you have to give up going to the Bahamas at the very same time. To choose one goal means you may have to give up others. If you decide on a certain way, it means you may have to give up other paths. It means you can’t be everything, do everything and have everything at the same time. It means you can't please everybody. When you make a choice, you run the risk of rejecting the values of certain people. They may see you, as you really are, not the way they want you to be. In other words, not like them. So by doing nothing, you may be able to retain the love and approval of different people whose values contradict each other, and your indecisiveness helps you to avoid trying to reconcile situations that can't possibly be reconciled."FROM Robert Anthony's book "Advanced Formula for Total Success" (now called "Beyond Positive Thinking"). Chapter 5 - titled "Write Your Own Script"

This is from the Just for Today Blog. It fits me perfectly! I will start at the top. "Hidden within indecisiveness is the goal of always being right. As long as we don't know what we want, we will never be wrong, never make a mistake, and hence we will never be disappointed. " I have a tough time making decisions. About anything! I let everyone make my decisions for me. It's easier that way. Or so I thought. And now that's why I'm stuck in my current situation. This is a lifelong pattern for me. As long as I can remember I've avoided making decisions - I grew up with Mom making them for me and I guess I never learned how to do it myself. Either that or when I did make them for myself they were "wrong" (probably according to my Mom anyway) and I just wanted to please everyone. Because if I please everyone then everyone loves me. And I needed to know that I was loved. A counselor my husband and I were seeing once asked me about this...he said what difference would it make if I made a bad decision? His suggestion was let me go buy furniture that I want...if it's pink and hideous, so what. My problem is I don't know what I want. I think I do, but then the thoughts start going through my head of what others will think, or will this "match" anything, or that's a lot of money to spend so you better make sure that's what you want. Obviously I need to work on this. I need to step out and make a decision - right or wrong - of course I'll start small. Hmmm, what should I make for dinner?

Seeking an Answer

In reading one of my daily blogs (the only blog I read daily) there's been a lot of talk about Al-Anon and fixing ourselves, not the alcoholic in our lives. For a long time and probably still, I've been hoping someone would provide me "the answer" to fix my alcoholic husband. I think I'm coming to the realization that no one can give me "the answer" and honestly that really frustrates me. Isn't there some magic cure? Some perfect story? Something I can DO? I love him so much and I love our life together - I hate to see it/us in this state of chaos. I've sought out answers, I've gone to counseling, talked with family...no one has the answer. At least not the one I want to hear. It's not there. There isn't one. Dangit. So I feel helpless. Totally helpless and that is depressing. I am depressed. I see all the signs. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning...really I'd be very happy just to sleep all day. Oh, wait, I couldn't even do that if I wanted to because my husband is home and he won't let me sleep all day. That's even more depressing. Ok, so I'm depressed. What am I going to do about it? I do need to focus on me. I really don't like being depressed. I want to smile. I want to have fun. No one is going to help me but me. I'm babbling. Maybe I'm trying to talk myself into attending an Al-Anon meeting. Maybe I'm talking myself out of the "stuck" feeling. I do feel stuck. What am I to do?

A Cheerful Heart

A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. Proverbs 17:22

My reading this morning focused on having a cheerful and merry heart. The dilemma being how to do this with all the "stuff" we have to deal with on a daily basis. My "stuff" being the disappointment, hurt and anger I feel at my husband's drinking. I have moped around, I have thrown myself awesome pity parties, I have asked "why me?" and I have cried more in the last 4 years than I think I've cried my whole life! I put on a happy face for work and get togethers with family and friends but this is not a "cheerful heart". In fact, my heart aches and I fight tears behind the smile. The ache takes all the energy from me and I do feel used up - hence, my spirit is crushed and my bones are dry.

I know the answer. Trust in the Lord. Cast my cares on Him. Seek rest in Him. Know that with Him all things are possible. He is sovereign. He has a plan. I don't have to worry. He's got me covered. So why do I worry? Because I want what I want when I want it! Patience. Yep, that's what the fortune taped on my desk says too, Be patient. Good things come to those who wait. You think the Chinese fortune cookie writer's stuff is original? Ok, that's a blog for another day.

Back to a merry heart. I make the choice each day to be happy or sad. I've learned this. I know this stuff. Did I forget? Short term memory loss? Old age? I'm not THAT old! No, I have to remember to trust the Lord. When I do that I know the peace I feel. I know it. Grab it. It's free. Thank God.