This image is me. It's my own hand pushing my head into the sand. And I'm pissed about it. I've preferred to ignore the things that make me unhappy or are uncomfortable and only focus on what I like. I've been reading blogs about Al-Anon and how to make me better. For the last week I've been reading and thinking I sure am glad things are going good at home right now. Just pushed my head in the sand a little further. I know there's things I've read - detach with love, don't engage, don't enable, recognize you're powerless - but I can't quite figure out how to make it work for me. I know I enable him to drink - one way is I give him access to the money, my money at that! I took the credit cards and the ATM card but he found them or I've given the ATM back cause he "needs" something. I know there's no consequences for his stupid actions. In fact, and I'm getting angry now, I'm the one who has consequences. I don't want to go home. I put off getting a hair cut cause we don't have money. I don't ask people over cause I don't know what the situation will be at home. I am near tears at work so often (like right now). What about me dammit? Something's gotta change! I came to work today very happy and smiling...then, like an idiot I guess, I check the bank account on line and see that he's gone to the liquor store and now I'm fighting tears. I feel so let down. Ok, let down...who let me down? Well I did. I believed. I based my happiness on the actions of someone else. Stupid. Human, but stupid. I am powerless. Over alcohol, yes. Over the actions of someone else, yes. Over my own actions or reactions? No. So what do I do now?
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