I keep hearing don't engage with the alcoholic. You're dealing with alcohol and not the person. I was thinking I was doing pretty good at that by not arguing or condemning because he's drinking/drunk. However, I'm now wondering if "engaging" is more than just arguing. I still go along with whatever he wants (within reason most of the time) when he's drinking...so is that engaging too? Last night I came home and he was still drinking. He wanted me to lay down and hold him while he cried. So I did. Forget that I needed to go to the bathroom or wanted to change out of my work clothes. Then he wanted to listen to music. Ok. So that's what I did. All night. We didn't have dinner. I didn't turn any lights on in the house. I did get to change and go to the bathroom, but only when he got up to go to the bathroom. Is this engaging? I know I need to figure out how to have my own life, take care of me. I know I need to "detach" and "set boundaries" but I don't have the slightest idea how.
Tonight, I don't know what's gonna happen. I only heard from him once today and he sounded better. I know his bottle was getting low, but he may have another. Ok, here's where I'm supposed to think I can't control him and focus on me. So, me, what do you want to do tonight? Oh, how about go home and see what your husband wants to do...Geez. Let's think of something better.
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3 comments:
I really like your last line. It sounds like something I would say!
You are thinking about it which is definitely a step in the right direction. Having an awareness that there may be something that needs to be changed in your thinking is great - even if you don't know how or what to change yet.
Personally, I would have detached by doing what I want to do when I get home. I have a friend who chooses to go out with a friend for coffee when her husband won't let her detach. It's all about what works for you and your situation. But it sounds like you're moving in the right direction!
Just remember - one day at a time!
Thanks Ashley! I'm finally realizing things can be different. I'm responsible for my own action and behavior. Just how to get it done is unknown, but I'm working on it. I've learned so much from the blogs out here. Really grateful I came across them! And, grateful to have my "first comment" on my blog! Thanks and have a great day!
laurie,
thanks for stopping by my blog and posting a comment. we can all learn from each other, right? it is comforting to know others are out there with us!
wow, don't engage. i'm thinking too.....detach. one thing i am learning is that i forgot somewhere along the way where my husband ended and where i began. sounds a bit like your post. putting them first. build some boundaries, even if the fences are only made of toothpicks, (i am gonna have a post about this soon). detach, with love. al-anon has been a great place to learn just how people do this: detach with love, not indifference or anger or whatnot.
good luck. you are on the right path. just thinking about it is the best place to start. and we all get where we need to at the right time, right?
thanks for sharing!
today i am grateful that you opened up to share, and that gives me courage to do the same!
with love and gratitude
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