Stop the Drama - Using the Mirror

I woke up at 2 a.m. this morning. I was hot and thirsty. And one cat was laying up against my legs so I ended up crooked in the bed. The other cat was on my pillow. I had to get out of the bed, go to the bathroom, get something to drink, turn the heater down - but I didn't want to disturb the cats or my husband. Oh, how difficult it all seemed...but I have to do it, so like some Mission Impossible actor, I lift the covers and ease one leg out and then the other, then over the cat at my legs. I use my legs to slide down away from the cat at the pillow then quickly and quietly roll off the bed. Whew. I made it. So after doing all the necessary tasks so I can go back to sleep, I crawl back in bed and lay there...wide awake. I realize I've got something I read in the Al-Anon Diary blog going through my head...a bumper sticker that reads "Stop the Drama". Why am I thinking this? Did I just slink around like Angelina in Mr. & Mrs. Smith? (I'd HAVE to be dreaming if I looked anything like her!) Yes, that's what I did. So dramatic. Then the real issue hits me...

I was supposed to go to an Al-Anon meeting on Monday. Yes, supposed to. I didn't go. It was cold. Now, that's probably the best excuse anyone has ever given! It was cold. It's winter, what do you expect? Well, it was real cold. Ok, that's better. No, it was just an excuse. I couldn't make myself do it. Maybe I didn't try very hard. And I knew I needed to go. So that afternoon I was talking to a close friend at work and she asked how "things" were going. So I fill her in on the husband and the weekend and how he's now "back on track". And I tell her how I need to focus on me...so like a soap opera starlet I look towards the window and that expression comes over my face (you know the one all the soap opera stars learn, say the alphabet backwards in their head for "the look") and I say, I'm going to go to an Al-Anon meeting. I was supposed to go today but I didn't. Oh, the tragedy. The drama! Fortunately she says the right thing, "when is the next meeting?" I say Wednesday at noon. She says I'm going to make sure you go.

Back to the topic, the mirror. I'm all about the drama. I'm the victim. Oh, poor, pitiful me. Get real. My husband is an alcoholic. I can't cure it, I didn't cause it and I can't control it. I am only responsible for me. It was about a month ago I posted on someone elses blog about how I really can't stand people who make themselves the victim or the martyr. And here I am doing just that! Wow! It's funny how it seems easier to look through the magnifying glass instead of the mirror. I need to stop the drama! I need change in me. I want change in me.

Today I am grateful for:
1. A great friend who I can talk to and
2. Will hold me accountable to get help for me by attending an Al-Anon meeting
3. All the people who have shared their stories by way of these blogs - they've been a huge help to me!

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Serenity

Another thought, I read yesterday in "Simple Abundance" about getting serenity in the areas we think we can't control. (The emphasis being "think we can't control") I thought it was appropriate that March focuses on serenity and the month began with the Serenity prayer. Anyway, the author said we must stop behaving like whirling dervishes if we wish to achieve serenity. Focus. Slow down. Methodically work through our "list" one item at a time. It struck me, we should work through the plan one step at a time. I'm looking forward to my first meeting tomorrow.

I Surrender

I give up. I can't do this alone. I can't keep doing the same thing. Last night and this morning I nearly lost it. All I can think of is how much I hate my husband. I don't like saying it and I know it's not him I hate, it's the disease. I hate what the disease has done to my husband. I no longer know the man I'm married to. This disease has disfigured him. I also hate my reaction to the disease. I feel trapped. Stuck. I don't know what to do. I look in the mirror and feel disfigured too.

Yesterday he started drinking again so I knew I'd be coming home to a drunk man. I just never know for sure what kind of mood he'll be in. I try to "go with the flow" so we'll have a smooth evening. But last night I couldn't do it. He kept horsing around - grabbing me and throwing me on the bed and tickling me - all in fun according to him - but I don't like it. I feel trapped. I feel forced to do something I don't want. I just want to change out of my work clothes, relax, unwind. But no. He thinks it's fun and all I can think is how much I can smell the alcohol and how disgusted I am. I don't want him anywhere near me. I am totally out of control. I'm playing the game with him and I don't even think I asked to be included! I'm involved by default. So I try to be nice, ask him to please stop, he says no, ask him nicer, and it infuriates me so I get mad and lash out, then I'm the bad guy. And I feel terrible because I don't want to act that way! I need to figure out what to do. I can't do it this way anymore.

I know I've been reading blogs and hoping that would suffice. It helps, but it's not enough. I need a plan. I need to go to an Al-Anon meeting. I found one in my area on Monday so I'm going. I write it here to convict myself to go. I can't back out. I need to go. I need some sanity. For me.

He Did it Again...

So much going through my head right now. First it's hurt, then anger, then I feel like such an idiot! I think I'm progressing and learning, but I'm not. I still base my happiness on what he does. The last week he's been sober and looking for a job. He had an interview yesterday. It looks like something he'd like to do and he's got a shot at getting it. I guess he figures he deserves to celebrate. Right. I've been happy this last week because it seems we have a "normal" life. Idiot. We so desperately need for him to get a job. I actually thought a job, even the prospect of getting a call for a job or an interview, would keep him from drinking. I guess I chose to believe that. Even though I know that's not the answer. I wanted it to be. So today he goes to the liquor store. And I'm crushed. My fairy tale world was just pretend. Like it is so many times. When will I learn? I am helpless to stop this. Powerless. Over alcohol. So why do I feel like I'm powerless over my life? My own life? Because I'm dependent on him. Not dependent on him for a home or to pay the bills because it's my career that does that. I'm dependent on him for my happiness, my mood, my sense of well-being. Why would I do that? Why do I put myself through this? Gotta get a grip.

What Addicts Need

Not my own title, it's from the latest Newsweek cover story. My good friend showed it to me so I could read it and understand a little more about my husband's alcoholism and treatment options. It was pretty interesting reading...I always endeavor to learn more about alcohlism and addiction but it used to be because I was hoping to find "the answer" to cure my husband. Now I know I don't have the answer. I can't cure him. I can only take care of myself and hope he'll follow my lead.

I think I'm figuring out that I'm co-dependent...I took a co-dependency self test on the web and passed. Woohoo! Ok, not exciting, but at least I know the issue. I have the truth. I can see that so many of the stupidest decisions I've made have been because I'm unhappy with my life as a co-dependent. But all I've done is move from one codependent relationship/situation to another. Isn't that the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result? Something's gotta change. I want to change. That's good.

Today I'm grateful for:
1. My good friend at work
2. My father-in-law, a recovering alcoholic, who keeps showing me how to live a humble life
3. My nephews for always finding a way to make me laugh, and usually not on purpose!

Don't Engage

I keep hearing don't engage with the alcoholic. You're dealing with alcohol and not the person. I was thinking I was doing pretty good at that by not arguing or condemning because he's drinking/drunk. However, I'm now wondering if "engaging" is more than just arguing. I still go along with whatever he wants (within reason most of the time) when he's drinking...so is that engaging too? Last night I came home and he was still drinking. He wanted me to lay down and hold him while he cried. So I did. Forget that I needed to go to the bathroom or wanted to change out of my work clothes. Then he wanted to listen to music. Ok. So that's what I did. All night. We didn't have dinner. I didn't turn any lights on in the house. I did get to change and go to the bathroom, but only when he got up to go to the bathroom. Is this engaging? I know I need to figure out how to have my own life, take care of me. I know I need to "detach" and "set boundaries" but I don't have the slightest idea how.

Tonight, I don't know what's gonna happen. I only heard from him once today and he sounded better. I know his bottle was getting low, but he may have another. Ok, here's where I'm supposed to think I can't control him and focus on me. So, me, what do you want to do tonight? Oh, how about go home and see what your husband wants to do...Geez. Let's think of something better.

Seeking an Answer

In reading one of my daily blogs (the only blog I read daily) there's been a lot of talk about Al-Anon and fixing ourselves, not the alcoholic in our lives. For a long time and probably still, I've been hoping someone would provide me "the answer" to fix my alcoholic husband. I think I'm coming to the realization that no one can give me "the answer" and honestly that really frustrates me. Isn't there some magic cure? Some perfect story? Something I can DO? I love him so much and I love our life together - I hate to see it/us in this state of chaos. I've sought out answers, I've gone to counseling, talked with family...no one has the answer. At least not the one I want to hear. It's not there. There isn't one. Dangit. So I feel helpless. Totally helpless and that is depressing. I am depressed. I see all the signs. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning...really I'd be very happy just to sleep all day. Oh, wait, I couldn't even do that if I wanted to because my husband is home and he won't let me sleep all day. That's even more depressing. Ok, so I'm depressed. What am I going to do about it? I do need to focus on me. I really don't like being depressed. I want to smile. I want to have fun. No one is going to help me but me. I'm babbling. Maybe I'm trying to talk myself into attending an Al-Anon meeting. Maybe I'm talking myself out of the "stuck" feeling. I do feel stuck. What am I to do?

A Cheerful Heart

A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. Proverbs 17:22

My reading this morning focused on having a cheerful and merry heart. The dilemma being how to do this with all the "stuff" we have to deal with on a daily basis. My "stuff" being the disappointment, hurt and anger I feel at my husband's drinking. I have moped around, I have thrown myself awesome pity parties, I have asked "why me?" and I have cried more in the last 4 years than I think I've cried my whole life! I put on a happy face for work and get togethers with family and friends but this is not a "cheerful heart". In fact, my heart aches and I fight tears behind the smile. The ache takes all the energy from me and I do feel used up - hence, my spirit is crushed and my bones are dry.

I know the answer. Trust in the Lord. Cast my cares on Him. Seek rest in Him. Know that with Him all things are possible. He is sovereign. He has a plan. I don't have to worry. He's got me covered. So why do I worry? Because I want what I want when I want it! Patience. Yep, that's what the fortune taped on my desk says too, Be patient. Good things come to those who wait. You think the Chinese fortune cookie writer's stuff is original? Ok, that's a blog for another day.

Back to a merry heart. I make the choice each day to be happy or sad. I've learned this. I know this stuff. Did I forget? Short term memory loss? Old age? I'm not THAT old! No, I have to remember to trust the Lord. When I do that I know the peace I feel. I know it. Grab it. It's free. Thank God.