I Surrender

I give up. I can't do this alone. I can't keep doing the same thing. Last night and this morning I nearly lost it. All I can think of is how much I hate my husband. I don't like saying it and I know it's not him I hate, it's the disease. I hate what the disease has done to my husband. I no longer know the man I'm married to. This disease has disfigured him. I also hate my reaction to the disease. I feel trapped. Stuck. I don't know what to do. I look in the mirror and feel disfigured too.

Yesterday he started drinking again so I knew I'd be coming home to a drunk man. I just never know for sure what kind of mood he'll be in. I try to "go with the flow" so we'll have a smooth evening. But last night I couldn't do it. He kept horsing around - grabbing me and throwing me on the bed and tickling me - all in fun according to him - but I don't like it. I feel trapped. I feel forced to do something I don't want. I just want to change out of my work clothes, relax, unwind. But no. He thinks it's fun and all I can think is how much I can smell the alcohol and how disgusted I am. I don't want him anywhere near me. I am totally out of control. I'm playing the game with him and I don't even think I asked to be included! I'm involved by default. So I try to be nice, ask him to please stop, he says no, ask him nicer, and it infuriates me so I get mad and lash out, then I'm the bad guy. And I feel terrible because I don't want to act that way! I need to figure out what to do. I can't do it this way anymore.

I know I've been reading blogs and hoping that would suffice. It helps, but it's not enough. I need a plan. I need to go to an Al-Anon meeting. I found one in my area on Monday so I'm going. I write it here to convict myself to go. I can't back out. I need to go. I need some sanity. For me.

Burying My Head in the Sand

This image is me. It's my own hand pushing my head into the sand. And I'm pissed about it. I've preferred to ignore the things that make me unhappy or are uncomfortable and only focus on what I like. I've been reading blogs about Al-Anon and how to make me better. For the last week I've been reading and thinking I sure am glad things are going good at home right now. Just pushed my head in the sand a little further. I know there's things I've read - detach with love, don't engage, don't enable, recognize you're powerless - but I can't quite figure out how to make it work for me. I know I enable him to drink - one way is I give him access to the money, my money at that! I took the credit cards and the ATM card but he found them or I've given the ATM back cause he "needs" something. I know there's no consequences for his stupid actions. In fact, and I'm getting angry now, I'm the one who has consequences. I don't want to go home. I put off getting a hair cut cause we don't have money. I don't ask people over cause I don't know what the situation will be at home. I am near tears at work so often (like right now). What about me dammit? Something's gotta change! I came to work today very happy and smiling...then, like an idiot I guess, I check the bank account on line and see that he's gone to the liquor store and now I'm fighting tears. I feel so let down.

Ok, let down...who let me down? Well I did. I believed. I based my happiness on the actions of someone else. Stupid. Human, but stupid. I am powerless. Over alcohol, yes. Over the actions of someone else, yes. Over my own actions or reactions? No. So what do I do now?

He Did it Again...

So much going through my head right now. First it's hurt, then anger, then I feel like such an idiot! I think I'm progressing and learning, but I'm not. I still base my happiness on what he does. The last week he's been sober and looking for a job. He had an interview yesterday. It looks like something he'd like to do and he's got a shot at getting it. I guess he figures he deserves to celebrate. Right. I've been happy this last week because it seems we have a "normal" life. Idiot. We so desperately need for him to get a job. I actually thought a job, even the prospect of getting a call for a job or an interview, would keep him from drinking. I guess I chose to believe that. Even though I know that's not the answer. I wanted it to be. So today he goes to the liquor store. And I'm crushed. My fairy tale world was just pretend. Like it is so many times. When will I learn? I am helpless to stop this. Powerless. Over alcohol. So why do I feel like I'm powerless over my life? My own life? Because I'm dependent on him. Not dependent on him for a home or to pay the bills because it's my career that does that. I'm dependent on him for my happiness, my mood, my sense of well-being. Why would I do that? Why do I put myself through this? Gotta get a grip.