Stop the Drama - Using the Mirror

I woke up at 2 a.m. this morning. I was hot and thirsty. And one cat was laying up against my legs so I ended up crooked in the bed. The other cat was on my pillow. I had to get out of the bed, go to the bathroom, get something to drink, turn the heater down - but I didn't want to disturb the cats or my husband. Oh, how difficult it all seemed...but I have to do it, so like some Mission Impossible actor, I lift the covers and ease one leg out and then the other, then over the cat at my legs. I use my legs to slide down away from the cat at the pillow then quickly and quietly roll off the bed. Whew. I made it. So after doing all the necessary tasks so I can go back to sleep, I crawl back in bed and lay there...wide awake. I realize I've got something I read in the Al-Anon Diary blog going through my head...a bumper sticker that reads "Stop the Drama". Why am I thinking this? Did I just slink around like Angelina in Mr. & Mrs. Smith? (I'd HAVE to be dreaming if I looked anything like her!) Yes, that's what I did. So dramatic. Then the real issue hits me...

I was supposed to go to an Al-Anon meeting on Monday. Yes, supposed to. I didn't go. It was cold. Now, that's probably the best excuse anyone has ever given! It was cold. It's winter, what do you expect? Well, it was real cold. Ok, that's better. No, it was just an excuse. I couldn't make myself do it. Maybe I didn't try very hard. And I knew I needed to go. So that afternoon I was talking to a close friend at work and she asked how "things" were going. So I fill her in on the husband and the weekend and how he's now "back on track". And I tell her how I need to focus on me...so like a soap opera starlet I look towards the window and that expression comes over my face (you know the one all the soap opera stars learn, say the alphabet backwards in their head for "the look") and I say, I'm going to go to an Al-Anon meeting. I was supposed to go today but I didn't. Oh, the tragedy. The drama! Fortunately she says the right thing, "when is the next meeting?" I say Wednesday at noon. She says I'm going to make sure you go.

Back to the topic, the mirror. I'm all about the drama. I'm the victim. Oh, poor, pitiful me. Get real. My husband is an alcoholic. I can't cure it, I didn't cause it and I can't control it. I am only responsible for me. It was about a month ago I posted on someone elses blog about how I really can't stand people who make themselves the victim or the martyr. And here I am doing just that! Wow! It's funny how it seems easier to look through the magnifying glass instead of the mirror. I need to stop the drama! I need change in me. I want change in me.

Today I am grateful for:
1. A great friend who I can talk to and
2. Will hold me accountable to get help for me by attending an Al-Anon meeting
3. All the people who have shared their stories by way of these blogs - they've been a huge help to me!

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Serenity

Another thought, I read yesterday in "Simple Abundance" about getting serenity in the areas we think we can't control. (The emphasis being "think we can't control") I thought it was appropriate that March focuses on serenity and the month began with the Serenity prayer. Anyway, the author said we must stop behaving like whirling dervishes if we wish to achieve serenity. Focus. Slow down. Methodically work through our "list" one item at a time. It struck me, we should work through the plan one step at a time. I'm looking forward to my first meeting tomorrow.

Who Am I?

"You've heard it said that no decision is a decision. Hidden within indecisiveness is the goal of always being right. As long as we don't know what we want, we will never be wrong, never make a mistake, and hence we will never be disappointed. We have been programmed since childhood not to make mistakes. By being indecisive we can remain a child. The moment we decide to take charge our lives is the moment we really leave home. Once we start making decisions for ourselves, we are on our own."It is safer not to make decisions, to be passive, childish and to take our cue from others. Making a decision always reveals something about you. Making a decision tells people who you are. And so, making a decision is essentially divulging a great secret. If your purpose in life is not to reveal who you are, then you will always remain undecided."Another reason for indecisiveness is the fear that we may have to give up something. For example, if you want to take a vacation to Hawaii, it means you have to give up going to the Bahamas at the very same time. To choose one goal means you may have to give up others. If you decide on a certain way, it means you may have to give up other paths. It means you can’t be everything, do everything and have everything at the same time. It means you can't please everybody. When you make a choice, you run the risk of rejecting the values of certain people. They may see you, as you really are, not the way they want you to be. In other words, not like them. So by doing nothing, you may be able to retain the love and approval of different people whose values contradict each other, and your indecisiveness helps you to avoid trying to reconcile situations that can't possibly be reconciled."FROM Robert Anthony's book "Advanced Formula for Total Success" (now called "Beyond Positive Thinking"). Chapter 5 - titled "Write Your Own Script"

This is from the Just for Today Blog. It fits me perfectly! I will start at the top. "Hidden within indecisiveness is the goal of always being right. As long as we don't know what we want, we will never be wrong, never make a mistake, and hence we will never be disappointed. " I have a tough time making decisions. About anything! I let everyone make my decisions for me. It's easier that way. Or so I thought. And now that's why I'm stuck in my current situation. This is a lifelong pattern for me. As long as I can remember I've avoided making decisions - I grew up with Mom making them for me and I guess I never learned how to do it myself. Either that or when I did make them for myself they were "wrong" (probably according to my Mom anyway) and I just wanted to please everyone. Because if I please everyone then everyone loves me. And I needed to know that I was loved. A counselor my husband and I were seeing once asked me about this...he said what difference would it make if I made a bad decision? His suggestion was let me go buy furniture that I want...if it's pink and hideous, so what. My problem is I don't know what I want. I think I do, but then the thoughts start going through my head of what others will think, or will this "match" anything, or that's a lot of money to spend so you better make sure that's what you want. Obviously I need to work on this. I need to step out and make a decision - right or wrong - of course I'll start small. Hmmm, what should I make for dinner?