My Anniversary

Happy Anniversary to me. One year ago last Sunday I quit smoking. It's strange, because for a very long time I was a "closet smoker". I never smoked in public, I did not tell people I smoked and I went to extremes to hide it. When I started smoking it seemed "cool" and I enjoyed it. Soon it was not "cool" and I didn't do it because I enjoyed it, but because I needed it. I was addicted. For years I "planned" to quit - really I only talked about quitting and never put a "plan" together. Over the last several years I began to hate smoking, yet I still did it. I noticed the toll it had taken on me. I knew I needed to quit and finally I really wanted to quit.

So a year ago we were taking a vacation out of town with family and I knew I wouldn't be able to smoke. I talked to my doctor and he gave me a prescription to help. So for the six days of vacation I did not smoke. When we returned home, I did not want to blow the six days so I didn't start again. I was tempted at times, but I knew I wouldn't have another opportunity presented to me where I "had" to stop. As time went by the temptation became less and less. I took the medication for three weeks and then stopped.

Now that I look back on it I realize how stupid I was to think no one knew I smoked. My husband continues smoking and attempting to hide it and I see it doesn't work. No matter how much mouthwash or cologne you use, you can still smell cigarette smoke. I wish, of course, that I had never started smoking and that I had not smoked for so long. I'm making up for it now and paying the price for it as well.

I almost let the anniversary go by without acknowledging it. Why? Because I don't like to think of myself as a smoker. Well, I was. But I'm not anymore. And it's so freeing. I can understand the chains of addiction. I can also understand that until the addict is "ready" to quit, it won't happen.

Today I'm grateful for:
1. No longer being addicted to nicotine.
2. Understanding the grip addiction has on a person
3. Celebrating my one year anniversary

Stuck in the Middle

Last Wednesday I nearly had a worry meltdown. I'm going to do my best to describe the situation here and hopefully putting it to words will clarify it for me. My husband (who still doesn't think he's an alcoholic and therefore won't attend AA, he is seeking guidance from God) is now two weeks sober, looking for a job and really making a concerted effort to stay sober and responsible. I still worry each day that he'll pick up a bottle, however I also catch myself when that worry starts and remind myself that I can't control him. Focus on me. So, that's one area of my life - the life as a wife. Next is the life as a daughter and aunt. This Saturday I'm one of three throwing my niece a wedding shower so I'm traveling to the "hometown". Ok, no big deal. Now the meltdown scenario. Wednesday I'm driving home from work and Mom calls - wouldn't it be a great idea to also have my niece's birthday party the same day as the shower so we don't have to make so many trips to the hometown. Ok, that makes sense. Then I could bring my husband with me and he could do stuff around the house for Mom and Dad. Enter worry. Now we're talking about a whole day in the hometown. Why do I worry? Because I fear putting too much on my husband's plate all at once. I'm afraid the whole day with the folks (which can be draining) will send him over the edge. I'm stuck in the middle because the folks don't know he's drinking again so I'm not being honest with them. I finally realized I'm trying to be a "good daughter" and a "good wife" and it's too much! I said that out loud. Maybe I'm trying to be someone I'm not. Or maybe I'm trying to take care of everyone else. Maybe I have this image that I've worked so hard to paint for me and everyone else and I can't support it anymore.

Today I should have gone to an Al-Anon meeting, but I didn't. Instead I went to the book store and read Codependent No More. I have to buy that book. Couldn't today because I don't have the extra money. Which could make me pretty angry cause I'm the one working! I won't go there. Anyway, the book helped but a meeting probably would have been better.

Jeez. I'm all mixed up. I'm angry that I don't have a "normal" life where I could say sure Mom we'd be glad to spend the day with you. I'm angry that I have this worry. I'm angry that I "have" to go to Al-Anon because my husband drinks. I'm sad that life seems so out of control. I'm depressed I guess. And I know no one is going to fix that for me except me. I really need to work the steps.

My First Meeting

I woke up this morning thinking of excuses to skip going to the Al-Anon meeting today. But, as you can see from the title, I did go. And I'm glad I did. I was worried the whole drive there that my husband would call and by not answering I'd get "caught" going to a meeting. He doesn't think "we need AA or Al-Anon." But that's a whole other blog post/issue.

So I went to the meeting and felt very welcomed. We read from Courage to Change, but instead of reading for March 5 the message for May 5 was read. When people realized this, it was pretty funny because it was exactly what was needed. I understand that happens a lot at Al-Anon...you get what you need. The focus was humility and taking care of ourselves. When it came my turn to speak all I could say was I was taking care of myself by attending the meeting...anymore and I would have cried a fountain. I heard things about setting boundaries, detaching and choosing what we want to deal with and when...I thought, ok, these things sounds familiar I guess these people are ok. The discussion then turned to consequences. One person said we don't have the right to take away someone elses consequences. I knew this, even though I do it. What struck me though was when she said if we do that, not only do we not allow them to suffer the consequence, we also don't allow them to feel the joy of overcoming the consequence. That put a totally different perspective on things for me.

After the meeting I hung around and a couple people talked to me. They gave me the newcomer packet and everyone's phone number. Really a nice bunch of people. I think I'll go back. Next meeting is Friday noon.

Today I'm grateful for:
1. My friend at work who announced this morning that she has designated herself my accountability partner and what time did I need to leave for the meeting today?
2. The beautiful blue sky and spring blooms
3. The nice people I met at Al-Anon today

Stop the Drama - Using the Mirror

I woke up at 2 a.m. this morning. I was hot and thirsty. And one cat was laying up against my legs so I ended up crooked in the bed. The other cat was on my pillow. I had to get out of the bed, go to the bathroom, get something to drink, turn the heater down - but I didn't want to disturb the cats or my husband. Oh, how difficult it all seemed...but I have to do it, so like some Mission Impossible actor, I lift the covers and ease one leg out and then the other, then over the cat at my legs. I use my legs to slide down away from the cat at the pillow then quickly and quietly roll off the bed. Whew. I made it. So after doing all the necessary tasks so I can go back to sleep, I crawl back in bed and lay there...wide awake. I realize I've got something I read in the Al-Anon Diary blog going through my head...a bumper sticker that reads "Stop the Drama". Why am I thinking this? Did I just slink around like Angelina in Mr. & Mrs. Smith? (I'd HAVE to be dreaming if I looked anything like her!) Yes, that's what I did. So dramatic. Then the real issue hits me...

I was supposed to go to an Al-Anon meeting on Monday. Yes, supposed to. I didn't go. It was cold. Now, that's probably the best excuse anyone has ever given! It was cold. It's winter, what do you expect? Well, it was real cold. Ok, that's better. No, it was just an excuse. I couldn't make myself do it. Maybe I didn't try very hard. And I knew I needed to go. So that afternoon I was talking to a close friend at work and she asked how "things" were going. So I fill her in on the husband and the weekend and how he's now "back on track". And I tell her how I need to focus on me...so like a soap opera starlet I look towards the window and that expression comes over my face (you know the one all the soap opera stars learn, say the alphabet backwards in their head for "the look") and I say, I'm going to go to an Al-Anon meeting. I was supposed to go today but I didn't. Oh, the tragedy. The drama! Fortunately she says the right thing, "when is the next meeting?" I say Wednesday at noon. She says I'm going to make sure you go.

Back to the topic, the mirror. I'm all about the drama. I'm the victim. Oh, poor, pitiful me. Get real. My husband is an alcoholic. I can't cure it, I didn't cause it and I can't control it. I am only responsible for me. It was about a month ago I posted on someone elses blog about how I really can't stand people who make themselves the victim or the martyr. And here I am doing just that! Wow! It's funny how it seems easier to look through the magnifying glass instead of the mirror. I need to stop the drama! I need change in me. I want change in me.

Today I am grateful for:
1. A great friend who I can talk to and
2. Will hold me accountable to get help for me by attending an Al-Anon meeting
3. All the people who have shared their stories by way of these blogs - they've been a huge help to me!

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Serenity

Another thought, I read yesterday in "Simple Abundance" about getting serenity in the areas we think we can't control. (The emphasis being "think we can't control") I thought it was appropriate that March focuses on serenity and the month began with the Serenity prayer. Anyway, the author said we must stop behaving like whirling dervishes if we wish to achieve serenity. Focus. Slow down. Methodically work through our "list" one item at a time. It struck me, we should work through the plan one step at a time. I'm looking forward to my first meeting tomorrow.